I'm sleepy, cold, and my inner thigh muscle seems strained. I'm sitting on a park bench after 10:30 at night. It's the kind of park where the crack users sleep in the bushes. I wonder if they twitch like that even in their sleep? I'm sitting there with a tall man with long, elegant fingers and I know that I'm falling towards the abyss. I can tell because I care when he doesn't believe what I say. I can tell because I know he doesn't trust me and it hurts/pisses me off. I can tell because I just want to know who he wants me to be/what he wants from me so that I can edit out those parts of myself that don't fit that mold. I leave convinced that I'll not call him again but the addiction is strong--I wonder if I twitch with it in my sleep even? I suspect that part of the attraction is the difficulty of figuring him out, of learning. I know that I want to give up. I know that I want to find other arms to embrace me. I know that I want to be my own person and not feel like I have to toe someone else's line.