"Who says you never go anywhere? A couple of British scientists have calculated that the Earth moves over 89 million miles every time you have sex. Based on an average sexual escapade lasting seven minutes and 54 seconds, they calculated that the Earth spins 86 miles on its axis and 8,818 miles around the sun while the solar system moves 4,937 miles through our local star cluster, which itself moves 74,062 miles around the centre of the Milky Way. Meanwhile, as you're quickly approaching the point of no return, our galaxy moves 39,500 miles towards the Andromeda Galaxy, while our galaxy cluster moves 177,750 miles toward the constellation Hydra. And, of course, the universe itself expands another 88,875,000 miles for a total of 89,180,153 miles of travel time while you get your rocks off."

I wonder what the figures are for masturbation?